Coffee Chronicles ...and RVing Ain't for Sissies

The HB & your Hero (if you look closely, you can see Adorable photobombing over the HBs right shoulder)

¡Hola, Chroniclers! ¿Qué tal? ¿Ya tienen su café? ¡Vamos!

The Western Region Rall opens in Mesquite

Last week, the HB & I rolled out with our RVing crew to Nevada for the Western Regional. Let me tell you who showed — no. You know what? I'm gonna start with who was a “no show.” 

First and foremost, McCroc: absent. Conspicuously so. Mrs. Scrubbles laid down the law. She demanded a fluffy robe, slippers, and a mint on her pillow every night. She said "BONUS" if she entered her hotel room after dinner, and her bath towel was folded into some sort of animal that startled her when she turned on the light. McCroc and Mrs. Scrubbles were hanging out with Moe & Winnie and Panda & Teddi from the Block.  Full disclosure, I believe that Moe is trying to make a play on my BFF status. His willing accomplice is Panda. It's a conspiracy. Moe is using Panda’s culinary detection skills to work his way in via McCroc's taste buds. Not to worry. I've got my eyes on them.

MIA: Mrs. Mayor. If you're marking your roll sheets, that's an unexcused absence for her. She had us all fooled; we were sure that she and the Doc were coming, when at the last minute, two days before we rolled out, we got a text from Her Honor. Just like a politician! Mrs Mayor had us believing her campaign promised whistlestop tour of Mesquite, and then she dropped a bomb on us all on Sunday. "Y'all have fun at the Rally. The 1st Gentleman says that we have to stay home and work on clean energy."

A likely story. She put the blame on the Doc, but I think she's gearing up for a run at higher office. She was most likely brushing up on her campaign speech and scrolling on her phone through her Amazon app, buying up cases of hand sanitizer and lip moisturizer for all the glad-handing and baby kissing she does as she working the crowds. 

Also absent: KC & Teach. I have to give them a pass because, Teach is still… well, she's still teaching. It being the last week of school and all, Teach couldn't wrangle a hall pass. We missed them, but KC couldn't risk another trip to the Principal's office. He's already spent too much time writing standards on the board. “I WILL NOT KEEP TEACH OUT OF SKOOL FOR RV TRIPS.”

Okay, so who made it? The HB was excited to see that her older sister and brother, Shay-ron and Pony Boy, made the trek forty miles north. Yes, they are both residents of the City that Never Sleeps. Their spouses made the drive too. Garrison spent some time in front of the Weber grill, which was much appreciated, because that surely can not be easy when it's 100 outside.

Your Hero, Yoko Uno & the Professor

The Right Reverend Doctor and the First Lady? Present. 

Professor Burgess and Yoko Uno (and their Clown Car)? Present. 

Mr. & Mrs. McRib (formerly known as The Serial Killer Couple)? Present. 

The Captain and Tenille? Present. Although Tenille kept complaining about, “Oh boy! That’s probably gonna end up in the Chronicles.”  Oh c'mon, what does he know? Look. The Chronicles produce what the Chronicles produce. It’s just like Joe Friday used to say in his gravely voice, “Just the facts, ma’am.”

Well, those were the usual suspects. 

We also had a few special guest stars who made an appearance last week, Mr. & Mrs. Hose Jockey; I don’t know why, but he always looks like he’s up to something. Those firefighters have nothing but time on their hands. That’s why there are always shenanigans being pulled off at the firehouse. Then, when those guys would get bored messing with one another, that’s when their treachery and skullduggery would spill over into the local police and sheriff’s stations. I mean it’s all fun & games until a copper drives around the block in a firetruck, lights and sirens. 

I thought it was funny.

Mike, Keith (the Hose Jockey) & your Hero

Mike & Mary, the Hose Jockey’s brother and sister-in-law, were there. Hoooooo-boy! Can that guy, Mike, spin a yarn! But I feel the need to warn you, Mike’s stories are strictly for when the fellas are sitting around the campfire, drinking brown liquor and smoking sticks. It doesn’t matter the era, whether it was when he was growing up in the neighborhood, his time in the Corps, or after. His stories are gonna invoke some side-splitting laughter. They might be tall tales, and who knows where the paved road of truth ends and the dirt road of the fanciful starts, but they are entertaining, that's for sure!

I don’t get it. Mike grew up in LA, but when he starts talking, his southern drawl makes it sound like he grew up in the backwoods of Mississippi. How in the world do you get and keep a Southern accent if you born and raised in LA and went to a school in West LA? I’m stumped.

Rico & Cyn were there too. A word to the wise, Rico. You are gonna have to get some real tools to carry on the coach. Duct tape and chewing gum are not sufficient implements for a trip across the country.

Also in Mesquite were James & his wife, “Adorable.” Not her given name, but that’s how she introduces herself to everyone, “Hi. I’m Adorable.”

James is definitely upper crust. I always feel as if I'm underdressed when I go to their RV. Their RV is so hoighty-toity that it came with a butler and a valet. James is the host with the most; he's known to always have the best liquor and the finest cigars at every campout. He’s generous with them, too. Me? I usually show up to the campfire with a Big Gulp-sized cup full of red Kool-Aid and two grape flavored Swisher Sweets, one for me to start off with and the other one for me later. It makes me think that I’m gonna have to step up my game.

All in all, some fun times. We love hanging with our RV fam.

Oh! I almost forgot! The HB and I made a stop in Vegas for a few days. and slipped into the Silverton Casino to try and make a dent in their light bill payment. As we were walking in, I recognized another RVing couple that we know from our days back in the salt mine, Burt & Kim, walking toward the exit.

I overheard Kim whisper to Burt, “Hurry up, I don’t think they see us!” They abruptly changed direction and started to walk quickly, almost at a gallop, away from us.

I waved vigorously and said, “Hi, Burt! Hi, Kim!”

“Damnit. Too late.” Burt was heard whispering raspily to Kim, then he looked at us and said, “Oh. Hi. We didn’t see you guys there.”

We met up in the foyer, exchanged pleasantries, air kisses, and attempted polite conversation for about 15 or 20 seconds that drifted off into an awkward silence.

Then Burt looked at Kim and said, “Uh, don’t we have that thing?” His voice drifting off, eyes rolling toward the parking lot.

“Oh yes! That! — we should go.  Byyyy-eeeee!” As they trotted, more of a run, off toward their Jeep and burned a little rubber in their haste to leave.

The HB and I looked at each other. “That was odd.”

We shrugged and then meandered into the casino to look for a Blackjack table.

Oh well, see ya next time. Until then — Drink ‘em if you got ‘em!

#coffeehousechronicles