Coffee Chronicles: Rich Friends & Text Message Problems
What up, Chroniclers? Yah, got yer cup? Well, buckle up, buttercup. Let’s go!
First off, we'd like to wish our good friends, Mr. & Mrs. Hose Jockey, a happy 37th anniversary. They celebrated the occasion at McDonald's because apparently, according to The Hose Jockey, they pop for half price if you're a first responder.
We were going to buy them a fancy anniversary gift, but then we remembered it's Opening Week for football season and I'm still emotionally invested in baseball. Priorities.
Speaking of sports season, you guys know that every Sunday I become a widower. It's very similar to tax season, except with more yelling.
My wife is in the living room watching about fourteen football games at once. Every five minutes she screams, and I come running because naturally I think something terrible has happened.
"Nope. Just a missed field goal."
Meanwhile, I'm trying to peacefully watch the Dodgers in the den like a civilized human being.
The struggle is real.
Now, some of you may know I have a text group with my old Runway 03 partners in crime: Yew Slash, Ryan Anthill, and En Gee, better known as The New Guy. For a guy who's been around forever, he's still "The New Guy." At this point, he'll probably retire as The New Guy.
Our text thread is active all day long.
Sports.
Current events.
Dodgers baseball.
Sports.
More Dodgers baseball.
And occasionally somebody remembers to ask how everyone is doing.
The beautiful thing is we're all Dodgers fans.
NG and I are laser-focused on the Dodgers right now. Mostly because his beloved Broncos aren't playing until tomorrow night.
But my biggest challenge isn't the Dodgers.
It's Yew Slash.
Every. Single. Game.
I don't know how he does it.
The man is somewhere in the middle of the Pacific, bouncing between Guam, Fiji, and whatever private island he's currently writing off as a business expense, yet somehow he's seeing the game 15 to 20 seconds before I do.
Have you ever watched a movie with someone who's already seen it?
And they keep saying things like:
"Oh wow..."
"Here it comes..."
"This is crazy..."
"Watch this."
That's basically watching Dodgers baseball with Slash.
My phone buzzes.
I look down.
"WOW!!!"
And I'm thinking, "Great. Thanks. Now I know something happened."
Twenty seconds later, the play finally shows up on my TV.
I don't need spoilers from a man who's living in tomorrow.
As if that's not enough, Slash somehow created a second text group with the exact same four people.
According to him, it was an accident.
Now understand what we're dealing with here.
There are the same four people.
Having the same conversations.
In two different groups.
And his explanation is:
"It's on my iPad."
That's it.
That's the entire explanation.
Apparently, when you're managing multiple estates, things happen.
The three of us got tired of receiving messages in the Mystery Group and briefly considered hiring a hitman to dispose of the iPad.
Unfortunately, Slash appears to have resources.
You'd expect that from a man who splits his time between his California estate, his thatched hut in Fiji, his Guam condo, and his villa in Tuscany.
Rumor has it he has a butler whose sole responsibility is managing duplicate group texts.
Ryan Anthill, meanwhile, has no time for us today.
He's at the Chargers game.
And let me tell you, this guy's seats are ridiculous.
He sends us a selfie from his brand-new season seats, looking like he's filming a commercial.
The seats are so nice I fully expected to see Magic Johnson and Mark Cuban sitting next to him discussing yacht maintenance.
These aren't seats.
These are experiences.
The kind where a waiter brings you finger foods and signature cocktails while you casually discuss stock portfolios and international travel.
Meanwhile, I'm over here celebrating if I can park within the same ZIP code as the stadium.
Honestly, though, NG and I are feeling pretty comfortable these days.
It's nice having rich friends.
We've got Commander McCroc and his ever-expanding Croc collection.
We've got Ryan, owner of at least seventeen acres in Chula Vista and a minority stake in every luxury suite in Southern California.
And of course we have Yew Slash, international man of mystery, part-time Dodger spoiler, full-time real estate tycoon.
The best part?
Despite all their wealth, influence, and global holdings...
They still spend half their day arguing with me in a text thread about baseball.
Stay humble, boys.
And somebody please take away Slash's iPad.
Until next time, Chroniclers... keep your coffee hot, your group chats organized, and your Dodger spoilers to yourself.
Drink ‘em if ya got ‘em!
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