Coffee Chronicles …You Don’t Always Have to Drive

G’morning Chroniclers! Gotcher brew?

I sat up in bed this morning and told the HB that I was putting on a pot and that I had to get the column out.

She asked, “How in the world do you write something every day?”

Well, it’s easy. We do something every day. Yesterday, we had breakfast, and although not everyone was present, there were people there. Mr & Mrs McRib were there. The Right Rev Dr and the First Lady were both present. KC and Teach were there, too. Then, our usual cast of characters was also there: Cmdr. McCroc and Mrs. Scubbles, the Mayor, Doc, Yoko, and, of course, the Professor.

All I have to do is observe and report.

It’s at about this point that all of the participants look up from their phones, beads of sweat on their brows. They scan the area and ask themselves who it might be. Who is he about to shine the spotlight on today?

Well, wonder no more. I have to talk about the elephant in the room, and no, thank goodness, Teach was unable to abscond with one of the pachyderms we saw the other day, “Isn’t he cute?”

“No, Teach. It is not cute. It is big, gray, and wrinkled, just like I will be in 25 years. But I will be cute when that happens.”

I feel the need to ask: Why does the Professor always feel the need to go somewhere? It’s not so much that he needs to be moving; the major problem is that he wants to drive.

Look, I can be a passenger; that isn’t my issue. My problem is this. The Professor is much like Scrooge before the visit from all his ghosts. He’s a miser. Do you want evidence? Yesterday he brought some brand new chairs over and sat next to me at breakfast, grinning.

“Ask me how much I paid for these chairs. C’mon, ask me, ask me, ask me!” He was so excited that he was almost beside himself.

“Okay, I’ll bite, Prof. How much?”

“Four dollars and ninety-four cents!”

Shocked, I asked, “For each?”

“Nope, for both!” He exclaimed, “I even told the cashier she could keep the change!” He was so proud of himself that he tipped the lady six whole cents.

Actually, I was pretty impressed, but I didn’t want him to know it, so I asked, “How did you get them back here?” So here’s the rub, people. Do you remember when I told you at the beginning how frugal the Professor was?

This is where, as Paul Harvey used to say, ‘The Rest of the Story’ comes in.

The Professor also bought a car that he tows behind his RV to suit his financial prowess. He is just as proud of his tiny little clown car as he was of his chair purchase. Look, I’m not the only person who refers to the “Roller Skate” as a clown car. And we only call it the clown car when he drives people around. Have you ever seen twelve clowns unfold themselves out of a Vee Dub in the center ring?

Yup, that’s the visual.

Do you know why they call it “Spark”? Its because the weight of two normal-sized humans inside will drop the car so close to the ground that the scraping will create a fire hazard.

Look, you didn’t hear it from me because I’m not one to gossip.

“Hey, Prof. Can you hook me up with some of those chairs?”

Drink ‘em if ya got ‘em

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