Coffeehouse Chronicles: Captain Carmen San Diego, Colonel Bunny, and the Monsoon Express

What up, Chroniclers?

Ya got yer cup?

Let's go!

I know this may come as a surprise, but apparently I have even more friends.

These particular knuckleheads are pilots, motorcycle riders, and generally difficult people to keep track of.

Trying to nail these guys down since retirement has been like trying to herd caffeinated cats.

First up is Captain Carmen San Diego.

Now before you ask, no, that's not his real name.

I call him Captain Carmen San Diego because I never know where in the world he is.

You remember that old game?

"Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?"

Same thing.

One day he's in Illinois.

Next thing you know, he's in Alaska.

Then he's riding somewhere through Arizona.

Then he's visiting somebody in Nebraska.

I swear if I called him and he answered from a volcano in the South Pacific, I wouldn't even be surprised anymore.

The only thing harder than finding Carmen is explaining to my wife why I have friends scattered across more states than a weather map.

Next is Captain Qantas.

I call him that because years ago he flew for a small airline before deciding law enforcement was somehow a safer career choice.

I believe that's also where he met Mrs. Q, who deserves a Congressional Medal of Patience for putting up with him for fifty years now.

Apparently she was a flight attendant for the same airline.

I've heard stories from those days.

Stories involving cash shortages.

Missing bolts.

Communication problems.

Maintenance issues.

Things you absolutely do not want to hear about airplanes.

Nothing builds confidence in air travel like hearing the phrase:

"We couldn't find that part."

At some point, Captain Qantas apparently looked around and decided:

"You know what sounds less dangerous than this? Chasing armed felons."

And off he went.

Now here's the scary part.

Back when we worked together, rainy days usually meant Captain Qantas drove me.

Folks, let me tell you something.

If a guy's driving scares me, that's saying something.

I know what you're thinking.

"Yo Hero, we know how you drive."

Exactly.

That's why this is concerning.

If Captain Qantas could make me nervous, imagine what the clouds were thinking.

Then we have Colonel Energizer Bunny.

That's a nickname I gave him because the man simply never stops.

Ever.

I don't know if he sleeps.

I don't know if he recharges.

I suspect there's a charging port hidden somewhere behind his left ear.

The last time we talked, he was somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard.

The time before that, he was somewhere else.

The time before that, he was flying somewhere else entirely.

The guy spends so much time moving around the country I was starting to wonder if he secretly works for Amazon.

When he's home in San Diego, he's still moving.

Flying.

Traveling.

Working.

Riding motorcycles.

Planning trips.

Probably planning trips while he's on a trip.

The Energizer Bunny nickname wasn't assigned.

It was earned.

What makes it even cooler is that he's part of a three-generation pilot family.

His dad flew.

He flies.

His son flies.

Apparently, in their family, learning to walk is optional, but learning to fly is mandatory.

Now Colonel Bunny and Captain Carmen San Diego met years ago in the Air Force.

Bunny flew jets.

Actual jets.

The loud, fast, expensive kind.

Captain Carmen San Diego?

Well...

He flew an office chair.

You see, Carmen was an Air Force meteorologist.

And before he starts sending correction texts, yes, I know he did important work.

But for the purpose of this story, he was basically Maverick of the Weather Channel.

Which brings me to one of my favorite stories.

One day a General calls in Lieutenant Carmen.

The General explains he's headed to Guam for an inspection.

The problem?

The General hates bad weather.

Absolutely hates it.

He tells Lieutenant Carmen that every time he flies into Guam, it rains.

Every.

Single.

Time.

So Lieutenant Carmen assures him:

"No problem, sir. I'll make sure you avoid the bad weather."

Carmen leaves the office and attacks the problem with military precision.

Maps.

Forecast models.

Charts.

Graphs.

Weather reports.

Satellite imagery.

Probably a ruler and three highlighters.

Hours later, he returns confidently.

"Sir, conditions look excellent."

"No problems?"

"No problems."

"No storms?"

"No storms."

"Perfect weather?"

"Perfect weather."

At this point, Carmen was forecasting sunshine, rainbows, unicorns, and Disney birds helping old ladies cross the street.

The General departs.

Happy as can be.

Then Guam gets slammed by the biggest monsoon it had seen in ten years.

Not a rain shower.

Not scattered clouds.

A full-blown biblical weather event.

The kind of storm where Noah starts updating his contact list.

When the General returned, he stormed into the office. "Where's Airman San Diego?"

One day he's a Lieutenant, the next he's an Airman. Whoops.

The personnel folks were confused.

"Sir, don't you mean Lieutenant San Diego?"

The General shook his head.

"No."

"I'm pretty sure Lieutenant San Diego would've warned me before flying me into the worst monsoon Guam has seen in a decade."

And just like that, Captain Carmen San Diego became the only meteorologist I know who could accidentally weaponize weather.

Now every year these three start talking about airplanes, motorcycles, Oshkosh, air shows, fly-ins, ride-ins, and all kinds of things that make pilot people excited.

Me?

I refuse to go to Oshkosh.

I don't care how famous it is.

I don't care how many airplanes are there.

I don't care how much fun everybody says it is.

I'm not a pilot.

These guys start talking about Oshkosh and their eyes light up like kids talking about Disneyland.

I just nod politely and sip my coffee.

You boys have fun.

Send pictures.

I'll stay right here where gravity has historically treated me very well.

So that's part of my aviation division:

Captain Carmen San Diego, because nobody knows where in the world he is.

Captain Qantas, who thought chasing bad guys was safer than flying.

And Colonel Energizer Bunny, who is still trying to wear out the entire United States one flight at a time.

They're a motley crew.

But they're my crew.

Until next time, Chroniclers...you know what to do.

Drink 'em if ya got 'em!

#CoffeeHouseChronicles ☕️🏍️✈️🌦️