Coffeehouse Chronicles…Late Afternoon Edition

Good day, Chroniclers! Many of you aren’t accustomed to drinking it in the evening, but if you feel the need, pour yourself some java and have a seat. As promised, here's the late afternoon edition of the Chronicles.

Yesterday, we spent most of the day with KC & Teach. Unbeknownst to the HB & me, Teach has a thing for animals. She begged and cajoled KC to run her through the wild animal park. The HB & I thought, “Well, hey! That’s pretty cool. Do you mind if we tag along?” …and we did.

Once we got in the car with Teach, we learned pretty quickly how deep an obsession with four-legged, furry creatures Teach really has. The entire time, all any of the three of us in the car could do was nod, murmur “uh huh,” and look at one another. Have you ever been on the way to the Natural History Museum with a third grader who loves dinosaurs? Yup. Same thing, except she is a third-grade teacher excited about animals. We couldn’t get a word in sideways. Teach was yickity-yackity this and yickity-yackity that about all kinds of different trivial stuff that only people who train seals store in their head. 

“Did you know that Bengal Tigers are very unsocial animals?”

“No —”

“ — yes! They only come together when they want to mate.”

“Wow, Teach! That’s inter —” 

“ — and did you that their average life span is about 7 years?” She jumped in without skipping a beat. “I’ll bet you don’t know what their scientific name is?”

“Well, no —” 

“It’s Panthera tigris tigris.” She interrupted again, sounding very proud of herself.

I kept looking at the GPS on my phone, willing KC to drive faster. “Please hurry up and get me to the animal park,” was all I could think. 

I learned more than I thought I could ever learn about hedgehogs, grizzly bears, black bears, brown bears, elephants, and anteaters. When we arrived at the park, I had to check to see if my ears were bleeding.

KC is obviously used to his wife. He was driving down the freeway, blissfully unaware of my pain.

When we arrived, Teach contacted the 20-year-old park ranger dressed in khaki cargo shorts, a matching khaki shirt with pockets everywhere, and a pith helmet. This poor kid had never been more than twelve miles from home and was dressed like a Kenyan safari guide. Teach was wondering how lenient their company policy was on people stepping out of the cars to pet the hippos and lions. 

“So, I saw a few signs on the way up the hill, and I was wondering…”

“Ma’am, do you mean the seven warning signs with twelve-inch block letters imploring you to ‘STAY INSIDE YOUR VEHICLE”? Are those the signs you mean?” This kid's voice was still squeaking; there was no way he’d gone through puberty yet. “Ma’am. Those signs are very serious. Please do not exit your vehicle.”

Teach crossed her arms and threw herself back in the seat with a pout. She was dejected. She refused to say another word to us, that is, until we got near the lion’s habitat. She was beside herself with excitement. She snatched the Slim Jim from my hand, which had just opened, and was about to eat. She rolled down her window and called out to the lioness, “Here, kitty, kitty. Are ya hungry?” 

The fact that the cat didn’t get to eat us and my Slim Jim had nothing to do with the terrified screams coming from the inside of our car. It was the electrified fence about a foot from us.

I think my life flashed before my eyes.

When we got back to the RV park, McCroc had to ask Doc to help reinstall his blinker fluid. He was running a little low. So me, Doc, KC, and McCroc all put our heads together and checked under the rear bumper for the blinker fluid reservoir. 

It wasn’t there. 

Oh well, Drink ‘em if you got ‘em!

#coffeehousechronicles