Coffeehouse Chronicles …On the Road Again

Whaddup Chroniclers? Betcha can’t guess what we’re up to. Well, I’m probably wrong about that. Many of you probably can, and the rest of you have me under constant interrogation about when the next road trip is. Wait no longer! We’re doin’ it again! (Goodie, stand by for the emergency request for a re-up)  

We’re on the move, but the HB has pulled the reins in on Your Hero. She has mandated that there will be no more 3-month jaunts about the country. I’m taking wagers on how long that’s gonna last. I’m already trying to plot my next escape. 

The usual cast of characters is present, It seems I can’t shake the Cmdr. & Mrs. McCroc. She’s earned herself a new nick; she is now Mrs. Scrubbing Bubbles. Yeah, I think I will call her Mrs. Scrubbles because Mrs. Scrubbing Bubbles is just too long to be writing out for the rest of the time that the Chronicles are being published. Trust me, it just ain’t clean until she’s cleaned it twice. Every time the cleaning lady comes over to the house, Mrs. Scrubbles will, just like the rest of you women, clean the house before Hazel gets there. And then after Hazel is gone, Mrs. Scrubbles will go over it again. Just to make sure. Cmdr. McCroc complains to me all the time he can’t change the channel on the remote because Mrs. Scrubbles has wiped it so many times that the letters have been rubbed off.

The Professor & Yoko Uno have made the quest. Starting off just like last time, breaking up the band because, “...I gotta meeting,” in a nasally, whiney, sing-songy voice. But this time, it was him! The Professor now has a JAY-OH-BEE. Yup, gainfully employed by the state of California doing his Professor stuff. GO SPARTANS! I guess that Yoko got tired of coming home to find the Professor sitting on the porch, shoeless with that one overall strap hanging off, using the same toothpick to pick his teeth and his toe jam. 

Mrs. Mayor and the Doc are with us too. You can always count on hundreds of text reminders for the ”heart-healthy” nature walks that Mrs. Mayor hosts. Added bonus, the Mayor points out and describes all the flora and fauna along the way. She is like a land-locked Jaques Cousteau. 

The Doc keeps himself entertained and the rest of us guessing by leading the conga line starting out at about 70 MPH, taking it up to 90, then dropping it down to 50, just because.“I get bored,” is his excuse. No, sir, you get distracted. You have a hard time walking and chewing gum at the same time. Mrs Mayor wants you to listen to the speeches she has to give and you can’t listen to her and drive at the same time. Then you complain to the rest of us when she cat-naps. You have to realize that she needs to regenerate the batteries for the next text and walk. 

Everyone wants to know where the New Guy & Mrs. New Guy are. They couldn’t make this trip. He’s running around scooping up money behind some tall Japanese newlywed who just bought a tiny little shack in La Crescenta. He says he’ll try to hang out with us again in October when he’s not chilling with Judy & Mabeline and them.

Stay tuned because we’re traveling with some new peeps too. Added to the menagerie, we have the Good Reverend Doctor & the First Lady, they’re not late to anything. The HB & I arrived at the meet-up spot 45 minutes early to do some recon and make sure we had enough room for six RVs, their tow vehicles, and our e-bikes, only to the Good Rev Dr standing in front of their RV, tapping his foot impatiently and gazing fervently at his iWatch. 

We have KC & Teach. Teach was so disappointed that she didn’t see Niagra with us last year that she blew off summer school for the first time in 37 years! Her principal called her Old Faithful, Teach said, “Yeah, whatever.” Walked out in June blasting the anthem “SCHOOL’S OUT FOR THE SUMMER!” on her mini Bose BT speaker, holding up two fingers. “DEUCES BABY!” She told her principal, “I’ll see you in September!” She quoted a few other famous movie one-liner exits, but this is a PG column, and there are children reading it too. “HOLY MOLY, TEACH! Do you kiss KC with that mouth?” I’m sure she sent Little Johnny Watkins, one of her 2nd-grade students, to the office for saying some of the same words.

Coach Mike & Mrs. Coach are joining us. Coach likes to impress me with fractions. “So-and-so ran the 700 in 3.40.” Coach, I don’t know that stuff. I played baseball, I haven’t a clue what the heck you’re talking about. Let’s talk line drives and ERAs and stuff, then I’m in.

Mr. & Mrs. McRib jumped into the convoy yesterday. They’ve been quiet, but I can assure you that you’ll hear about them soon.

We’re passing through Sac-to, picking up the last of the stragglers, and then on to Eugene!

Oh. I almost forgot. Mrs. Mayor & the HB want me to tell you about the camera and the parking brake. There, you’ve been told. ‘Nuff said about that. …and scene!

Drink ‘em if you got ‘em!

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